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Asma and Ismail have two children, Umar (10) and Umamah (8). Umar is a loving and caring boy, but he struggles with articulating his words respectfully when speaking to elders. For example, when his father calls him, he replies, “Yes, what?” instead of saying, “Yes, Baba.”
On the other hand, Umamah is kind and soft-spoken. She naturally speaks to elders with respect. It is only natural that her parents feel more at ease and admired when communicating with her, and at times, they become unintentionally biased. When it comes to Umar, they often feel frustrated, thinking he is a mannerless boy. Recently, Ismail has even started to feel hopeless. Since he himself was very respectful from a young age, he finds it difficult to understand his son.
One evening, a big conflict broke out at home. According to Ismail, he asked Umar to bring him water, but Umar didn’t respond. However, Umar had a different story. He said, “I told Baba I am bringing water and went to the kitchen, but before I could come back, he started yelling, ‘You have no respect for your parents! You don’t care about us! Learn from your sister how to behave!’”
When Umar tried to explain himself, he was scolded even more for “arguing.” When Asma heard about it, she also poured her frustration onto him.
How do you think Umar felt in that moment?
From a conscious parenting perspective, Umar may have felt that love is conditional. “My parents will only love me if I behave like my sister. Otherwise, I am a bad boy who doesn’t care about them.” Without realizing it, his parents made him feel that their love depends on his behavior.
In situations like this, a child can internalize many things. Umar might eventually stop caring about what his parents think, becoming distant and disconnected after constant criticism and comparison. Or he may go in the opposite direction, becoming a people-pleaser, struggling with self-confidence and decision-making later in life.
Parents’ words become a child’s inner voice. That is why we must be mindful of how we respond. Often, what we call “misbehavior” is actually a lack of skill. As Dr. Becky Kennedy says, “Children are born with all kinds of emotions and none of the skills to manage them.” Our role is to teach, not to judge or make them feel that love must be earned.
I am learning and struggling with this too. Here are a few simple lines I’ve learned from experts that help me and my children during difficult moments:
◾️ “I will listen to you. Let’s wait until we are both calm.”
→ Teaches: Emotional regulation before communication
◾️ “Let’s try that again with respect.”
→ Teaches: It’s okay to restart and self-correct
◾️ “You can disagree and still be kind.”
→ Teaches: Respectful disagreement
◾️ “That tone is not respectful. Let’s reset.”
→ Teaches: Awareness of how words affect others
◾️ “I am here to help you through this.”
→ Teaches: Love is unconditional, and mistakes are safe
With patience and mindful communication, we can guide our children to grow confident, respectful, and emotionally regulated—without making them feel that love is something they must earn.
Faizah Abdullah
#thedailyparent
#breakinggenerationalcycles
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